No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
