i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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