So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
