I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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