I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
