I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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