I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
worst night to have a conscience
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
