The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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