theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This is classic penis vs brain.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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