this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
