I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
