i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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