She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
