I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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