I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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