I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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