I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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