when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
