If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
