I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
