Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
