Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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