Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
