my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
