matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
