The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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