ya dads aren't the best wingmen
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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