One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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