i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
