I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
