he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
