I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
