i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
