I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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