Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
