I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
