just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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