I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
