party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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