So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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