dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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