pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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