no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
