I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
