this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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