Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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