I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
