She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
