I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
