he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
