Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
