I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
