Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
